it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
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