i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
Randomize
