Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
How fat would you say she has to be before I can consider this a threesome
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?