so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night