Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
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if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
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There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.