Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
These 33 Eskimo Brothers Boinked The Same Person And Couldn’t Be More Proud
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.