Please, let me fuck your mom
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
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This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
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This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.