I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
Randomize
