She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
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