Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize
