if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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