New low: just hacked my moms facebook
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
Randomize
