you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
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