I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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