My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
Randomize
