I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
I need to calm my uterus...
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
