I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
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