her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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