Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
