I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Randomize
