She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
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If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
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Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
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