i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
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