I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
EMERGENCY: IS A KAREOKE RICKROLL ACCEPTABLE IN THE YEAR 2011?
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
Randomize
