I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
