I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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