My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Randomize
