I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
