she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
Randomize
