Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
We were driving to yogurt express by state and these girls mooned is while they passed us and we saw full vag complete with tampon string dangling.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
