i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
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