i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
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