I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Randomize
