i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Randomize
