he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
He passed out mid-signature
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
