Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
