Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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