Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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