I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
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