Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
