I wish my penis had an off switch
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
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