I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
