just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
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