No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
Randomize
