Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
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