Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
