I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
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