Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Randomize
