found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
Randomize
