you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Randomize
