i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
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