I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
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