Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
Randomize
