There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Randomize
