Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
