So im pretty sure the object of my emotional onterest is tired of playing with me....
went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
