you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
