So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
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then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
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It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
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